Annual “report cards” on inmates.

Posted on May 2, 2013 by patriciahung

imagesLast week I presented at a symposium for the Department of Justice and was honoured to be invited to be part of a forum with the Federal Ombudsman for Victims of Crime.  What an amazing group of people!

Frankly, I never saw myself as a victim’s advocate and still can’t imagine myself as a protester demanding changes to our legal system, but something happened this week that leaves me with second thoughts.

We received an annual “report card” on David Bagshaw and Melissa Todorovic—the two who murdered our daughter—from the Victim Services arm of Corrections Canada.  Let me first explain that access to this information is extremely new and comes with the caveat that some kinks are still to be worked out.

This report provides us with details about any education they are receiving and if they have had any serious disciplinary issues.    Both reports came back with no serious issues.

This was interesting to us because David was charged with attempted murder of another inmate while in prison and was shot by guards during this attempt. In a separate event, he was injured by another inmate and, as a result required medical attention.  On another occasion, he assaulted a staff member.

How then, could his report card be missing all those issues that we consider to be somewhat serious?

Well, the attempted murder we heard about from the media (they are allowed to report on it) but because he was charged by an outside agency, no one within the government is able to tell us.

After further examination and a few phone calls, we were told that minor incidents, like the assault on a staff member couldn’t have been serious enough to make it into his report card.  What confidence it gave us to realize that any assaults on staff are quite acceptable and not considered serious.  This is prison, right?

Too serious—no one tells us…not serious enough, and we still are not informed.

Fortunately, we heard about the new charges through the media and have more confidence that he will not be eligible for parole once his 10 years are up.  Had we not known about this and only read his report card, we might be fretting that within a couple of years, he would be free.

We do realize that it is going to happen at some point, but we want to be well-informed once the parole board hearings start.

Melissa also had a good report, but how accurate it is we cannot tell. It will only be about a year and a half and she’ll be eligible for parole.

These are things that I never thought I would ever have to think about, much less fight the government to improve.   Bill C-10, which is very new, has given victims much more access to information than they ever did before, but we still have a long way to go.

I would like to know if Melissa is taking any steps—i.e. counseling etc. toward accepting responsibility for what she did and working to make sure it NEVER happens again.   However, that information is not available to us because it falls under “medical” information, which is private.

I understand the rules around privacy but I think that when a person commits cold-blooded premeditated murder, he or she should no longer expect to enjoy the great privilege of all our Canadian human rights. Surely the most basic right of all is the right to life, and any person who takes that from another has, in my opinion, forfeited his or her “rights” for the duration of incarceration.

Perhaps that is not very charitable of me and as time passes, I may soften my views, but for now, this is where I sit.

What I want more than anything is for David and Melissa to acknowledge their responsibility, work on the very serious issues they must have and to heal so that no other family ever has to face what we are facing by their hands.

Victims give up all control once they enter the criminal justice system and the best way to give that back to them is with information.

 

Posted in Beginnings | 6 Comments

That Bullet Goes Both Ways

Posted on April 8, 2013 by patriciahung

220px-Cartridges_comparisonA good friend of mine, a retired SEAL, has taught me many things.  I’m fairly certain that the majority of them haven’t been terribly profound, such as the intricacies of Californian language structure (i.e. ‘whew hew’ versus ‘woo woo’) but once in a while, he comes up with a thought that just sticks.

We met at the Grief Coach Academy where we were both studying to be Grief Coaches, each for our own reasons. Shortly after we met, he told me a story about an incident near Seattle where he resides.

I’m sure to get the details wrong (no need to correct me, Dave) but the overall message was clear.  An ex-marine, employed as a police officer in a small town near Seattle, surely suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, and with little or no support, turned his service weapon on a group of people in a park.  His platoon mates were the ones who responded to the call and ended up killing him.

This story is tragic from any angle. What made it worse at the time was that in the aftermath, the officers involved in the shooting were only given 24 hours off, expected to “get over it” and return to work the next day. This included the officer who shot his friend.

In telling me this story, my friend, whose mission is to create a better support system for military personnel, said to me “…what they need to understand is that that the bullet goes both ways.”

Now that may sound like just stating the obvious, but I think it’s something we can all understand in very simple terms. Because the concept is so easy to understand, it’s a good example of how our actions cause a reaction and that if it is true for the negative, it must also hold true for the positive.  

There are careers that are inherently negative—including policing.  They have higher rates of alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, divorce, and even suicide.  I’m fairly certain this isn’t by happenstance.

There are coping mechanisms, of course—one being a very warped sense of humor—but once a person has been touched personally by violence, it’s not very funny anymore. There’s a crack in the armour.

There are so many incredible people doing fantastic things within policing but the public only hears and perhaps expects the negative.   I read a comment in the National Post following an article about firefighters and police officers who jumped into the dirty freezing waters of Lake Ontario trying to save a teenager trapped in a vehicle.  The comment was “what heroics…isn’t that their job?” 

Sadly that teenager died and those human beings who risked their own lives will have to live with that memory. Maybe they have teenagers themselves. 

Of course, their jobs are to fight fires and keep the peace, but that person didn’t even want to hear of something that significant.  Perhaps if one of the would-be rescuers had died in the attempt, then it would have been newsworthy.   It makes me wonder why we are so addicted to drama?

Regardless, that tragedy goes both ways.

I believe, in my heart of hearts, that just as that bullet also goes both ways, an act of kindness or simply acknowledging the good in others, does too – it has to.

This concept does somewhat go against the grain in policing.  Officers need to be tough, and they are. Showing emotion or weakness can be a bad thing in law enforcement, if for no other reason than one becomes the target of that warped sense of humour.

Nevertheless, it is possible to inject positivity into the work day, without becoming weak or maudlin, and this positive approach can only improve the lives of every person who is touched by it.   

Although not recognized by the media and therefore unknown to the public, there are amazing officers who dedicate many hours of their time to better the community in which they police.  These officers have learned how to find a light in the cesspool of negativity that is inherent to police work.  For every negative news article written, there are a hundred other stories that will never be told. 

In my immediate circle I can tell of rock climbing programs for youth, guitar lessons, ice fishing expeditions, hockey lessons, summer camping programs for at-risk youth—all run by officers who volunteer their time and often their own money because they believe in what they are doing. There are hundreds of others in other places, other towns and cities doing the same. 

I also have no doubt that the joy they bring to the lives of others returns to them ten fold which is, of course, the polar opposite of that bullet in a Seattle park.  

Making an effort to inject positivity into our professional and personal lives is paramount for the well-being of others as well as our own mental health. Does it involve more work? Certainly. Is it worth it? I am reminded of that old adage, “nothing succeeds like success”. When we see the delight or quiet gratitude on the face of someone we have praised or helped, we know beyond doubt that this happiness has already been returned to us.

Posted in Giving of yourself, gratitude | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Trauma and Growth

Posted on March 3, 2013 by patriciahung

imagesOver the next two months, I will be speaking at various events about the benefits and personal growth associated with trauma.  Did I just say benefits, personal growth and trauma in the same sentence?  That might sound impossible or rare when in fact it’s more common than we think.

Trauma is unexpected, unpredictable and uncontrollable.  At first there is stunned confusion when the thoughts and images are so overwhelming that the brain mobilizes defence mechanisms to force it from our minds.  But, this protection can only work for so long and then the more we try to force against those thoughts and images, the more intrusive they become.

If we can unpack these emotions a little at a time, unpacking and repacking, slowly and having patience with ourselves, they can move them from active memory to long term memory and we can heal.

Studies have shown that people who cope poorly with trauma drink 73%, smoke 44% and take tranquilizers 21% more often than those who cope well.  Many times, these people are diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

One would be hard pressed to find anyone who hasn’t heard of PTSD as there has been extensive research, studies and papers written on the devastating effects.  Certainly, at least in the beginning, I suffered quite extensively with many symptoms of PTSD.  Thankfully over time they have diminished and I’m only left with a few lingering characteristics that I still struggle with, but that’s not uncommon.

However, there is new research emerging that supports that even in the midst of great psychological pain, some people gain a new perspective and not only survive but then lead a more meaningful life, including new recognition of one’s personal qualities and a deeper more satisfying connection to others.   There is also evidence to support the idea that these people may be stronger in the face of future adversity.

One might assume that these cases are few and far between, but in the relatively new field of Post Traumatic Growth, there is good news and maybe surprising data.  Some studies show that to those who have suffered a major traumatic event, almost 45%  report having a more positive outlook on life afterwards.

The recent focus of PTG in the world of psychology is promising.  Promising because up until recently it has been unfashionable to speak of the positive outcomes after a traumatic experience and the focus has only been on moving from the emotional turmoil after the event to a neutral state.  But, the emerging field of PTG is focused on moving the victims or survivors of trauma not only from a negative state to neutral one, but then further to a positive, productive, healthy and joyful life.

This is much like the difference between grief counseling and grief coaching.

The research suggests that the primary factor in determining who will grow rather than deteriorate is the amount of social support available after the traumatic event and how people feel about the incident – like feelings of guilt.

Victims of crime need support. Period! The lifeline the support provides them is vital for the recovery of everyone, particularly those who are marginalized.  But it’s not only the victims they are helping.  There is a snowball effect that is initiated because of this support. Victims either grow into better, stronger, more compassionate citizens, able to be a positive influence on succeeding generations, or they can spiral downwards, often bringing their offspring with them, who then become another burden on society, and that Ladies and Gentlemen, means you and me.

We all have a role to play, but expecting growth rather than life long suffering is the first step in changing the psychology of trauma.   The human condition is an amazing, beautiful and resilient one that only needs love and support to thrive even in the worst situations.

Posted in Grief coaching, Hope, Post Traumatic Growth | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Want to sleep better?

Posted on February 12, 2013 by patriciahung

imagesI wonder how many of us wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep?

There are hundreds of reasons that might prompt us to waken from sleep—the inevitable call of nature, nightmares, snores coming from the other side of the bed, a kid who has any number of problems, etc… Oh wait, those are just mine.  Then again, maybe I’m not alone ???

For those of us who wake after a nightmare, it can take a long time to quiet our racing hearts, calm our electrically charged cells, and banish those terrifying images from our minds.

Nightmares have taken their toll on me and have led to chronic sleep deprivation, forcing me to find ways of coping. Hopefully, no one else is having such vivid nightmares but what I’ve learned might help others who are awake at night thinking about all the demands of the following day that they can do absolutely nothing about in that moment.

Although meditation is usually done awake and in a sitting position, I have been using this basic concept to help me get back to sleep.  When I’m lying in bed with every nerve on fire, I begin to think about my breathing.  I focus only on each breath.  Inevitably, this lasts about ten seconds and then my mind wanders back to my nightmare.  As soon as I realize what I’m doing, I remind myself to focus on my breathing again.  I do this over and over until I begin to feel more relaxed. This helps bring my heart rate back to normal and takes away that “crawling skin” sensation.

Recently I read about a technique using alternate nostril breathing.  There are claims that the left nostril connects to one side of the brain and the right to the other, a fact I certainly can’t substantiate, but what I can attest to is that it is easier to stay focused when using this technique, to concentrate on my breathing and stop my wandering mind.

Lying on my side, I close one nostril with my thumb and breathe in through the other, switch, and block the other nostril, exhale and repeat. This is much more effective for staying in the present moment because it takes more concentration.

Mastering meditation has been a goal of mine for some time.  The benefits of giving our minds a rest is very powerful especially in someone whose brain is drowning in incessant internal chatter.

In his book “Proof of Heaven” neurosurgeon, Eben Alexander, introduces the reader to Hemi-Sync.  Simply put, it is a system used to enhance deep conscious exploration based on audio technology.  It uses specific patterns of stereo sound waves to induce synchronized brain activities.  The science behind it is exciting but too complicated to explain here.  Suffice to say, it is just music with beats below the normal threshold of human hearing.  It is not subliminal messages, but it does work—at least for me.

Due to my desire to master meditation, I listen to one for that purpose, but there are others to help with sleeplessness.

To my surprise there has been a completely unexpected side effect from listening to just ten minutes of Hemi-Sync before bedtime. The nightmares that have been my constant companion since Stefanie died have all but disappeared. There were no claims that this technique would be beneficial in this way.  Hopefully they do some research in this area as well.

Sleep is so vital to our mental and physical health.  Do yourself a favour and don’t settle for sleepless nights. Try to find a natural way to have a restful sleep so that your body can help to heal and rejuvenate itself and you can be your very best when you’re awake.

If any of these techniques work for you, I’ll be thrilled.  If you have another successful method, please share.

 

 

 

Posted in anxiety, Relieving stress | Leave a comment

What are your goals?

Posted on January 27, 2013 by patriciahung

imagesGoals are what propel us forward, give us something to work toward, something to fill us with enthusiasm and give us a reason to feel proud of our accomplishments. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have many projects and ideas constantly on the go. If I don’t take enough time to organize my priorities, nothing would ever get done.

One of the best ways to do this is to make a list (dream big) of everything you want to accomplish, do or have. Maybe it’s skydiving, or running a marathon. Perhaps it’s mastering meditation, yoga, or taking a course. It could be earning “x” amount of dollars, having financial freedom, learning a new language or just getting through the day being the best partner, parent, friend, child etc… that you can be.  Whatever your goals, write them down. Now pick the top twenty.

Once you have these down, take a moment to ask yourself why they are important to you. List the top three about which you feel the most passionate. What are you doing to achieve those goals? What have you done? What things do you have to put in place to make them happen?  If you feel tired just thinking about it, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate that goal because when we’re truly passionate about something, we are invigorated to push forward.

Being realistic about a time frame for each of these goals is paramount.  Some might be immediate and others may take ten years.  Regardless, it is necessary to have a plan in place and to review that plan every once in a while.

When life is overwhelming for any reason—death, divorce, lost promotion, job loss, bad news from a friend or family member, illness—whatever the reason, it may be all we can do just to get through the day.   This is where a plan helps most.

At first, after Stefanie’s death, I could barely breathe, let alone think about the future.  My future was the next hour, the next five minutes, anything to make it to bedtime so I could escape into at least a few hours of exhausted sleep.

What drove me was a painfully simple plan. I would reward myself daily for just getting by.  A latte here, a chocolate bar there, a couple of days away, alone with James—anything that worked.  I just needed to look forward to something, anything, no matter how small.

Now that I’m in a better place and have grown into what I hope is a better person, having a plan to obtain my goals has proven invaluable.

When my girlfriend took her life coaching coarse and spoke of the work involved and the time commitment, I felt a little sorry for myself because I knew I would never be able to carve out the time.  I had five kids and she only had two. Her spouse didn’t work shifts.  It wouldn’t be possible at this point in my life I had decided.

Was that ever a limiting belief!!  All I had to do was to make a plan, and stick to it.  Yes, it meant sacrifices, not just for me, but for James, Lilibeth (our amazing caregiver) and the kids, but I’m confident the end justified the means for all of us.  I was a happier person, a more invested wife and mother because I felt positive about what I was doing, which, of course, improved my overall outlook on life.

Now I’m a Certified Coach specializing in grief and can continue moving forward with my overall plan of supporting other people, some who find themselves in the same hell we went through or just those who are suffering the everyday losses we all experience.  I needed a goal, enough passion to stick with it and a plan to make it come to fruition.

What is there in your lives that you are passionate about?  Try the above exercise and see if your dreams don’t become a reality!

 

Posted in Relieving stress, sucess | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Finding Ways to Combat Anxiety

Posted on December 24, 2012 by patriciahung

As the unrelenting anxiety continues to grow, my best defense is to sit and write and focus my mind on something unrelated to the sadness and emptiness that inevitably grows inside me at that this time of the year.

This morning, as I reviewed the passages that the boys (9 and 7) are going to read in church this evening, James and I started to discuss all the benefits for our children—aside from spiritual—there are in going to church.

Tonight, the boys will both practice reading (something other than Pokemon) and public speaking.  This is the first year that Eric has done any presenting in school and it was a book report in front of his classmates.  However, he has been reading something called the Minute for Mission in church for two years now.  They are short stories about the problems people must deal with in different parts of the world, and the efforts by others to make a difference.  He is learning integrity, caring and all of this through the real life examples of others.  This is particularly important because the boys are in French school and this gives them a chance to practise in English.

The kids learn so many other important skills that truthfully I don’t always have time to teach them because I am often too busy.  Sometimes they set up for coffee time after church, help serve the treats, pour coffee, tea or juice, do the clean up afterwards and put away chairs.  They seem to do this enthusiastically and with no complaining—even when it comes to washing countless dishes.

They learn to be respectful of their elders and how to interact with all ages, including seniors. Working together in the church gives them something in common, and helps them to get to know each other.

Most importantly, they are appreciated for their efforts.  They are recognized and made to feel like an important part of the group—not just the little ones who are dismissed.  They are listened to and heard because people truly care about them.

Feeling important is the deepest non-biological need we have as humans and our children always feel like important members of our little church.

Their reading improves as they sing along to the hymns and Christmas Carols. Confidence is boosted as they participate in plays put on by the youth. Being surrounded by kind people simply rubs off.

Kids won’t go to church on their own. They need their parents to take them.  James and I thoroughly enjoy one hour on the weekend when the kids are busy doing all of the above and we have time to center ourselves and refocus our thoughts.

Church doesn’t have to be a place where we are made to feel guilty or as if we are being judged.  I have never felt that way nor would I ever make anyone else feel that way—another fantastic lesson for the children to learn.

As adults we can learn all these skills as well, but usually won’t be motivated enough to do it for ourselves, but might for our children.   Most of us put our children in sports for the exercise and life lessons learned through team sports.  But when Eric is as confident to stand up in front of a bunch of adults and speak as he is to take the faceoff in hockey, I am proud to have given him equal opportunities in both.  With less and less being offered in school these days, as parents we need to find ways to help our children become well rounded adults, from sports to math, to basic human decency.

There are many types of churches and most do not fit my life.  I need one that is inclusive and open, that is relevant today and not just 2000 years ago, one that offers realistic advice and doesn’t expect me to follow blindly.  I don’t want to be told what to do or what to think, but rather to have some guidelines pointed out and then choose how to best implement those in my life and the lives of my children.

I’m not trying to “sell” the idea of church to anyone, but I wonder if many people see it differently than what it actually is, and don’t realize the benefits.  Check it out. Try a few different ones and see what you think.  What do you have to lose?

Tonight I will sit in the warmth of a familiar place surrounded by people who truly love me and the anxiety I am feeling now will lessen knowing that I can trust them to hold me up, if I can’t stand alone.

Our service is at 7pm tonight at Presteign-Woodbine United Church, 16 Presteign Ave at St. Clair and O’Connor and you’re all welcome.  If you do come, be sure to seek me out and say “hello”.

To everyone else, from my family to yours, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and the best for 2013.

 

Posted in anxiety, Grief and the holidays, Relieving stress | 10 Comments

Giving Thanks

Posted on December 21, 2012 by patriciahung

photoSome people say “Grace” at dinner and others don’t.  In our house, we try to have the kids review their day and give thanks for one thing.  That may sound sweet or adorable, but rarely is it peaceful or angelic.  Most times, it’s just frustrating.

The first fight is about who gets to go last.  Grace inevitably wants to be last so that she isn’t cut off by a sibling’s turn and can just keep right on talking.  James always says, “I’m grateful for all of you,” with little variation, which gets a resounding “BORING”.  Now it’s a contest to see who is going to say that first because the latest “rule” in the giving thanks exercise is that you can’t say what someone else has already said. Oh, yes, it gets better and better.

The next delightful thing that happens is an argument among the three boys to see which of them can outshine the other.  Ian is that much older and, frankly, quite the brownnoser. He’s perfected the art of  syrupy sweetness toward his mother, whereas the other two are just little boys.  Because of this, we’ve implemented another rule: We can’t just say what we are grateful for, but now have to say why, and they are starting to keep score.

Elena (3) always says the same thing: “I’m grateful that I cried in the China“(long story), unless it’s her turn to be last and then she says “I’m grateful that I’m last”.  Regardless of which answer she gives, there is always the chorus of  “Aaahh, come on Mummy, that doesn’t count. She always says the same thing,” which begins a discussion about what is age appropriate.

Grace has to be philosophical about each grateful thought expressed and then has to explain it to us all as it relates to her life.

Most days there is at least one argument, or more common, a fart joke thrown in to ensure any reverence I might have hoped for was thrown right out the window.   Kids end up rolling on the ground, laughing in hysterics (causing more flatulence and then more jokes). I can’t keep a straight face and so it spirals downwards and the whole point is moot.

So why do I persist?  Truth to tell, I’m not sure.

There is the odd time that something resembling a thoughtful discussion is had and I see a light bulb starting to glow. Other days I am just so grateful that they are laughing and loving each other that it doesn’t matter.

It’s hard with such diverse ages, but what I have noticed is that they are learning to respect each other’s ideas, especially when those ideas are less sophisticated than their own.  Eric is very good at expressing himself and it takes Patrick longer to formulate his thoughts. Grace always wants to talk and Elena tries to keep up.   But they are learning to stop talking (even Grace) and let someone else have the floor—not easy for small children, or some adults for that matter.

There are many challenges that come with a large family.  Each child gets less one on one time, the money must be spread more thinly, the demand on time in general is unbelievably difficult, and they need to help each other because we can’t be in all places at all times.

Ian leads by example and is teaching all the kids that family comes first, how to be a good person and a good son.  Eric helps Patrick with his French if I’m not home, Patrick reads to Grace and Elena and Grace teaches Elena how to colour, write and talk—endlessly. They understand intuitively that they can trust in the support of their siblings and they are learning to listen to each other’s needs.

I am so grateful for who they are all becoming, even if the lessons I want them to learn through our “being grateful” exercise are different than what one would expect.

If I could leave them with just one lesson in life, it would be that when tragedy strikes and we have no strength to stand on our own, it will be through the love of family and friends that joy will have a path to return to our hearts. This makes these life lessons worth every exasperating and frustrating moment.

Guess I just answered my own question about why I persist.

Posted in gratitude, Parenting | Tagged | 6 Comments

How can we help?

Posted on December 17, 2012 by patriciahung

imagesIs there anyone who isn’t looking for answers to the tragic events in Newtown Connecticut?   …Anyone who hasn’t wondered what would possess someone to slash kindergarten-aged children in the ears and face with a knife in central China?  These types of incidents can make us crazy if we dwell on them too long. Certainly that’s the way I’ve been feeling.

No one can understand how the parents, families, teachers, first responders and many others are feeling and no one can take their pain away.  We cannot do that for them.  Sadly they have no choice but to move through their grief until they feel as though they can breathe again.  Love and support will be their greatest need.

It is a very helpless feeling—impotence at its most desperate level.

There will be those who find that action—any action—is the best way to cope.  Others may shut down, becoming completely paralyzed.  Some will try to capitalize on the tragedy, and still others will bask in their fifteen minutes of fame.

The media will do its best to satiate the almost incomprehensible thirst of our society to know all the gory details, allowing us to be front and centre, creating mass hysteria and perpetuating the vicious cycle of needing more and more sensationalism to feel anything at all.

Always my greatest fear is that this global awareness will only lead to similar incidents.  The more attention that is brought to something, the more energy it has and the more other disturbed individuals will be attracted to the infamy.

Again, the feeling of impotency is overwhelming.

So what can we do?  I suppose for those of you who live in the U.S., lobbying for gun control might be a good start, but that would require an inextinguishable fire burning in the pit of one’s stomach to fight for the long haul.  I suspect that only the families of those gunned down will have the energy to take on the NRA.

For the rest of us, is there anything we can do?  First, I would suggest prayer. I believe so strongly in the power of prayer, whether it’s to the Universe, Allah, Buddha, God, or the god of your understanding, sending love from our higher selves to those who need it, does help the healing begin.

Next, focus your thoughts on the helpers.  If you look around you, you’ll see them.  They are everywhere and will be the most incredible force for good to combat the grief and anguish that has enveloped the lives of so many.

Don’t make it about you.  I had to remind myself of this as I crumbled into a blubbering mess alone in my office Friday.  My memories, my pain—it’s all real, but this is, in no way, about me.

I think this is a good reminder to think about how we might help others who are grieving in our own lives. Sometimes when there is mass media attention, resources for those who need it are plentiful.  My girlfriend often comments on how lonely it must have been for those people who lost their loved ones through accidents or illness at the time of 9/11. Where were the resources for them?

Please download my booklet and share it.  It’s free and it was written so that we all might help others when they are suffering.   When we feel useless it can help to have a reminder of things we CAN do to support others.

If we turn off our televisions and refocus our energy on those around us, we can make a big difference, especially at this time of the year.

Peace to all of you.

Patricia

Posted in Beginnings, Giving of yourself, The Media, When it's not your loved one | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Things we all say.

Posted on November 19, 2012 by patriciahung

Ever seen something on the news and said “Man oh man, if I could get my hands on that guy, I’d…?” Did it make you feel better…give you a sense of control?  Did it, perhaps, make you feel less vulnerable?

I have heard these comments so many times, and most of the time I shrug it off, but sometimes, just once in a while, I want to truly challenge these remarks.

“Really?” I would say. “What would you do?”

If someone bullied your child, hurt your mother, broke into your home…if someone made you extremely angry for whatever reason, what could you do?

It feels so much better to think that we would take revenge and make the other person suffer more than we suffered, to be the boss in control of the situation!

Reality is so very different.  We don’t live in a society where we can just do whatever we want without consequences.  We can’t practise “an eye for an eye” and live happily ever after.

One of the hardest things for me has been watching James as I hear other men profess how they would take matters into their own hands and evoke their own justice. Somehow these statements imply that we (him), as victims of crimes, should have done something differently, that we should have sought out those who killed Stefanie and taken revenge, as if James wasn’t “man” enough to take matters into his own hands.

Of course, I know that most people only say these things to express their very human outrage and empathy with us as victims of such a senseless, brutal crime, and also because often in this country people feel our justice system is heavily weighted on the side of criminals.  Still, somehow our impotence becomes highlighted by these remarks and begs the question, “what would most of us do”?

First of all, no one knows what his or her reaction would be in the face of any situation. Taking the law into one’s own hands is one route to go, but what would be the consequences? There could be a temporary feeling of satisfaction that comes with revenge—inflicting severe pain on a deserving criminal—but what then? Would it really teach them a lesson so that they would never offend again? Would it change anything…magically restore a beloved life? Would we feel better about ourselves for having sunk to the same level of depravity and inhumanity as the one who hurt us?

I seriously doubt it. What I do know is that in our society, if we were to do anything like that, our own lives, already turned upside down, would be ruined.  I would have been mortified if anyone had harmed a hair on the heads of the two who killed Stefanie, especially if it had caused the legal case against them to be thrown out of court.  Every “t” had to be crossed and every “i” dotted exactly right, and thank God it was.

How much more difficult our lives would be now if one of us had wound up on trial for aggravated assault or even murder?  I imagine a life as a single parent, raising 5 children, already profoundly affected by violence. What a terribly personal way to learn that two wrongs never make a right, to say nothing of the lesson in morality we would have taught our children.

Reading this might make you wonder if something has happened recently to inspire this blog post, but that isn’t so.  I was simply thinking about all the different ways we re-victimize ourselves after a tragedy and this is just one more that we would do well to work through. No one needs to feel shame along with profound grief.

Posted in shame | 7 Comments

Positive Ticketing

Posted on October 23, 2012 by patriciahung

Who among us enjoys being pulled over by a police officer? I certainly don’t, and I am one. For most of us, our interaction with the police is limited to receiving a ticket (or two) or perhaps being the victims of property crime. Though neither of these situations is positive, there are times when contact with the police can be much more negative, sad or even devastating. Although these events are rare, senseless acts of violence can hold an entire city hostage, especially when there appears to be no viable solution.

 For a society to work well police officers need the trust and cooperation of the local citizens, which is as much a police responsibility as it is the citizenry.  But those barriers are very hard to break down, especially in communities that have lost faith in the police or when the residents have come from a country where there never was any trust to begin with.

 Inspector Dave Saunders of the Toronto Police Service has come up with a plan to give out “positive tickets” as a way of recognizing the public for good behaviour.

 As reported on FLOW radio and in the Metro News, here’s what Inspector Saunders has to say about the program called POSITIVE TICKETING - TAKING A STAND AGAINST VIOLENCE

 I am the Inspector of 42 Division Toronto Police in Scarborough, and I have been a police officer for 32 years. At 42 Division we take pride in working with the community to create safer environments to reside, work, play and attend school. Unfortunately a relatively small number of criminals involved in the drug and gun trades prey on our neighbourhoods. Their presence in our neighbourhoods make residents fearful to come forward to police as complainants, witnesses and victims of crime. In my experience the best way for communities to reduce gang dominance in their lives is to start working more closely with the police, social agencies and community leaders. Young people are particularly at risk of becoming involved in violence in Scarborough.  I see small positive gestures as making a profound impact on children and youth in communities at risk of violence.  I propose a “positive ticketing” program by frontline police officers. This would involve officers giving out coupons, gift cards, etc., to young people who interact with police in positive settings. As simple as this sounds, this idea could have a very positive impact.

  Aviva Insurance has an annual one million dollar community fund that is divided up among applicants. Inspector Saunders has made such an application as a way of funding the “positive ticketing” initiative.

 If this seems like something you would like to see in our city, or as an example to emulate in other cities (if you don’t live in Toronto), please take 30 seconds and vote for our initiative. 

 Follow this link: http://www.avivacommunityfund.org/ideas/acf15138  and click on VOTE located just under the title “POSITIVE TICKETING – TAKING A STAND AGAINST VIOLENCE”.  Unfortunately, one needs to “sign in” to vote—easy enough if you have a Face Book account but otherwise, you’ll need to create an account. This only takes a few minutes. Just follow the instructions.

 Rarely will I ask for support in this way as this is not the focus of this blog. I am cognizant of my recent plea for support over the NBC fiasco—and your response was truly overwhelming—but I think this has great merit for the public.  Not only as an officer, but also as the victim of crime, I believe this program could make a difference, and anything that makes life better for people is worth mentioning.  I’m hoping you’ll all feel the same way. 

 As always, with gratitude,

 Patricia

Posted in Positive thoughts, The Law | 6 Comments