Guilt. A wasted emotion that does no one any good.
I don’t think it matters how your loved one died, I’d hazard a guess that everyone struggles with guilt.
I choose to believe that there is life after death and it’s full of more joy and wonder than anything we can even begin to imagine. But what if there is nothing at all? We die, the end. In either case, the person who has died is either living in ecstasy or oblivious to everything. They are not living in limbo cursing us for all the things we did or didn’t do. So why did we punish ourselves endlessly? GUILT!
I guess our conscience serves us well (or at least most of us) during our lives and doesn’t shut off even when we can’t act on it. In our daily lives, when we listen to our inner voice and follow it, we feel most at peace. Perhaps when hindsight shows us (realistically or not) things we might have done, our conscience is still working and we feel guilty for not having done what hindsight so easily says we should have. What’s worse is then we can get stuck and can’t move past it because moving past makes us feel even more guilty.
Making the decision to write this blog gave me pangs of guilt. How can I possibly speak of the joy I’ve found in my life when Stefanie’s dead? Am I not dishonouring her in some way? Do other people not expect me to act and feel a certain way?
I have to remind myself that Stefanie would want to make others feel better. That’s who she was right down to the core. She would expect me to make this journey and show others that no matter what obstacles they face in their lives, they too can find joy.