I had the chance to have an enlightening, albeit short, conversation with a girlfriend of mine who commented on my blog a few days ago.
She made an interesting point in that when I write about the raw emotion of Stefanie’s death I have one voice, and when I’m more positive I come across as a completely different person.
Some losses are less traumatic than others, but some change us down to the very core of who we are and cause us to question everything we have ever believed. The death of a child is one of those.
This profound grief can linger for the rest of our lives and can affect everything we do or think regardless of if anyone else knows what’s going on inside or not.
What a lot of us become is two people in one body who walk hand in hand for the rest of our lives. One is broken and sad, the other can be more positive and outwardly strong and secure.
It’s impossible to shed the former. It lives in us and is part of who we are. We see life through those eyes a good part of the time.
It’s the cynic who sees other problems as trivial and who screams “get some perspective” but is balanced by genuine empathy and concern from the other self.
It’s the one who scoffs at kindness but is overridden by its more positive partner.
It’s the one who screams in fear and needs the other to be the voice of reason.
It’s the one that needs to be pulled along because it weighs too much and doesn’t have the volition to move forward alone.
At the same time it is our friend, one I hope to never lose.
It is the one who helps me remember and continue to feel the deep love and appreciation for what I lost.
It reminds me daily not to take anything for granted and to be grateful for the great people who surround me and the happiness we share.
More than anything it is wise. It has helped me grow into the person I am today and hopefully will continue to give me a unique perspective and insight for the rest of my life.
I am two people. Past and present, happy and sad, tender and bitter, affectionate and distant, empty and full.
This is who I am and I’m okay.